I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
