I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
