I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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