i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
