i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I can't turn off my feet"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
