Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
