I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
