there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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