Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
