Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
