I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Oh god it's open bar.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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