please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize