Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
