do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
