She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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