Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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