go do what you do best...puke behind churches
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
