Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize