you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
