Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
