mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
