Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize