i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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