i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
