Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
