He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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