I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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