I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
