Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Even the bartender felt bad for me
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Randomize
