He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
