hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
