it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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