Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize