i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He felt like a one man threesome
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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