Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Liz is crying about burritos again.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
