booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
