please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
