But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
