dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
