my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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