I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
