I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
