why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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