Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
