I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
