I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I don't deserve a penis
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
