she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
