Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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