Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
