The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
