Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
