roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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