The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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