why didn't you poke me back
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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