i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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