my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
