I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
