I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
