From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
