Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
