she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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