you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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